Unsure of what's happening, we went over to the fosterer's place 4 AM in the morning to take a look at Madam Bear ourselves. Strangely, Mdm Bear calmed down right after we arrived. Something just wasn't right.
A trip to the vet later that evening revealed that her crying and howling wasn't due to attention seeking. The vet explained to us that it was all muscle spasms and seizures. He also went on to explain that it's all neuro- related and chances of recovering were slim. The worst case scenario would be that she may damage her brain nerves and "fry" her brain during one of her seizures, causing death. All of us were stunned. We never knew she was suffering this much, and how dangerous it was for her. She was warded for the night.
Her health had took a turn for the worst. It had been a roller coaster ride. Whenever we felt that there's still hope, she would deteriorate to a disappointing state. It wasn't anyone's fault. The rescuers, vets, fosterers and us had tried our best.
The painful decision was made to euthanize her. Honestly, I was always anti-euthanasia. From the first day she came to us, I reminded myself that I must not be too attached to her. After taking care of Mdm Bear for 5 months, our love for her had unknowingly and silently crawled inside us. I even felt guilty that I spent more time with her than with Peanut and Sasha. Day in day out, she was on our mind. I constantly checked the web cams to make sure she was in a comfortable position while we were out. There were even some nights when I was so tired that I fell asleep at her mattress after attending to her. It was tiring, but it was fulfilling. I was determined to make her well again.
So came the day when the deed had to be done. I was still struggling with the fact that in a few more hours, Mdm Bear was going to leave us forever. I even went through a few times in my mind what I would be expecting later that evening. Crying would be inevitable. I just wanted to man up and not look too bad if I cried there. Still very much in doubt whether what we have decided is right, I decided to stop all thinking and prayed.
A revelation then came to me. All we have been struggling with, was about what WE wanted. WE would have wanted to carry on treatment. WE wanted to believe that not all hope is lost. WE think there's still a chance she will walk. WE should not go with the option of euthanasia.
But had WE thought anything about HER? What would SHE have wanted? How is SHE feeling now?
Thank God. With that, the dilemma inside me was resolved. This should be about Mdm Bear. Not what we wanted. Let her go and be relieved of all the seizures and muscle spasms. She had tried her best, and so have we.
We were still waiting for someone. That was the Mdm Bear's ex-owner's son. We really hoped that he will come. He too, had given us support for the few months that Mdm Bear stayed with us. He arrived shortly, and said his last goodbyes. It was a good thing that she managed to see her owner's son, someone who tried his best to keep her despite going against his father's wishes. I think Mdm Bear would have wanted to meet him one last time too.
Each of us took turns to bid farewell to her. When it was my turn, tears were already flowing uncontrollably. Kelly too, was sobbing hard. We fed her water for the last time, and called the vet in to administer the shot.
For anyone who hasn't gone through this before, please remember. Always ask the vet to sedate your pet first before anything else. The vet with us did not bring along a sedation shot. Luckily, we stopped her in time and requested for sedation to be done first. She complied, but not before saying something like " Oh, normally I just do it straightaway." We were too sad at that moment to react to her reply. Looking back now, this was just too much. I wondered how many animals had she put down this way to date. In my opinion, it was totally inhumane! What I've learned from my work at the Zoo was that the green liquid of death does take a few moments to take effect. In between that, the animal will have to go through the pain before leaving. No way would we have Bear go through with that!
With the creamy colored sedation shot administered, Mdm Bear calmed down and relaxed, falling into deep sleep for the first time in five months. Shortly after, the green shot for euthanasia was given. Mdm Bear breathed her last, and rested in peace.
It was quick and fast. She was gone.
It has been five days since. I thought I had grieved and mourned enough. However, while I'm writing this post, my vision was blurry and my coffee tasted salty.
Mdm Bear's posts always came with a short poem. So this one's for her.
For Bear
Five months it has been
Since the day you came
Five months love has grown
Part of my life you became
From a weakened state you rebounded
To be feisty, snappy but loving
Bruises on my arms and face
But never once did I felt like complaining
Nights you whined and called for help
Little I knew what it's for
Caring for you like a little whelp
Little I knew you were near death's door
It was time to let you go
To release you from our chain
It was the last thing for me to do
To release you from all your pain
Is there really a Rainbow Bridge?
Will you be going there?
Would you need your treats and blankets
While you're waiting at the Bridge in the air?
Five days it has been
Since the day you left
Five more decades I have to live
Before I can see you there
For Bear
You have fought the good fight and you have finished the race
I instead, will keep the faith
That we will meet somewhere up there again.
Before leaving, I kissed her on the forehead and whispered a promise to her.
I hope that she heard me.
Grieving,
Travis @ PawMart
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